"you made me smile a lot. never cry tho"

I sit...on that swing of ours. And rock back and forth while the rain pours down. My toes sink into the wet sand as I close my eyes and let the rain patter on my face. I smile.
It's odd. I've let go. But why do you still haunt me. Underneath the heavy rain, I can smell your scent...that used to be so close. The swing slows down. I see your smile flash in the distance; your arms hold me from behind.
It all slowly sinks in. And I take up the memories that I had cast in the dark...so long ago. My shadow always catches up, creeping on me from behind. That slow agony. You can't reverse time. And the swing stops.
I'm losing you. And it scares me. I know your face, I know you...but do I know you? They all slip away. The happy. The sad. They all flow into the river as the rain washes them out. I swim for them. But end up drowning. I cough up blood on the edge. Heartbeat races. I swing up to the sky. Where are you....

And in midair. I jump off the swing. I fly free under the stormy clouds as the rain stings my face. The seconds expand into an infinite moment as I float in space in peace. I smile.
But gravity takes hold and shuts me down. I tumble and crash. Concrete hits hard. The slow accelerates into a wall. Impenetrable. And I just lay there. Broken.
But...I'll smile for you. Cause I've always smiled. I'll always smile.
As my heart slowly bleeds dripping blood behind me.

"baby don't cry"

sometimes...i wonder if i'm the only one who cries under the night sky. alone.

"though i would hide it, he questions me 'is something bothering you?'''

I dreamt that I was running. Free. And it was. Amazing. I had never run that fast in my life. That exhilarating pace that never tires you down and you just keep running faster and faster under the vast night sky. That feeling wells up in you as you jump over obstacles. You race. Speed picks up dancing along with you. Jump to the trees and leap down. And each time lose yourself in the breathless journey.

"someday we'll watch the sun glow as it sets"

"I might be a shabby person who has never done anything for you

But today, I am singing this song just for you

Tonight, within those two eyes

and smile I can see the pains from protecting me

You and I together. It's just feels so right

Even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you

You and I together, don't ever let go of my hands

even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you "

 Today. He smiled. 

It was a smile of remembrance. A smile from a memory. Or perhaps an inside joke. The moment was rare...almost precious. His face normally gray, blank and desolate, a plain wall impossible to understand, shone out from under the rain..Cause today... the sun rays streamed out of the clouds. illuminating the treetops.

And I saw him smile.

"When I was 5 years old, my mom told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life. "

Happy...is such a fickle friend. But when he's with me, the day becomes so much brighter. It's almost tantalizing because I know that he'll go off and leave me someday. Without him, I'm always insecure and I always wonder when he's going to come back...will he ever come back? Maybe he has a restless heart so that's why he wanders off. Or does he get angry at me?
I saw a rainbow today. We were driving and I happened to look up...to see a brilliant huge rainbow smiling at me. I smiled back at the new year. I saw that rainbow again. Happy had knocked on my door to come home once again.

"you need to turn off the lights; do you want the world to end?"- Susan Lee

my hands warm up while i keep them wrapped around my mug of hot chocolate
the soft, fur blanket heats my toes
and behind me the intense blaze from the fire singes my back.
i snuggle with my pillow
and i see the world outside
filled with lights and snowflakes.

the world whizzes by and i can only see a blur of lights.
An amazing ride that makes my heart flutter.
it flies out to the sea into the night sky
and lands on a shimmering snowflake.
as it melts, those tears drip from your eyes
and the smile that once reigned
fades away.

"u just uncovered a whole new realm of sigh potential. congrats... sigh"- RS

a pocket of memories. fly away up to the clouds. and disappear behind the rolling fog.  where i can't see them. crystal drops teeter on the tip of the moon. fall and break on pools of air. ripples turn into tides and they crash into the universe. cacophony. not heard. it rides the winds that swirled up in storm. catching the bubbles that held all within. pop. and they tumble back down on a windy cascade. dancing. and land on your hair while you sleep.

"so that even if you can never see that person again, you still won't regret it."

How nostalgic....
I can't help but feel sad when I read our past chats. How did we talk so freely? I...don't understand. What happened? between us? I smile because it reminds me of happy...but for some reason I also want to cry because ...because...why? The spark is gone I understand and accept. but....why is it that waves keep washing over my head? I don't understand myself. I try to talk normally but it just doesn't work. The flow's not there. I think it's waves of regret. Maybe...i just want to go back to the age of innocence.

 "it's okay
you can ride on my shoulders when we go to korea"

Memory: what! is, a- memory?

I want to write a story

once in a while i ask myself, "could i ever go on living without you?"-shin

The voice is so powerful...and how is it that i just noticed today? It's such a common thing in the modern world when people don't really stop and think about how amazing little things are, like one's voice. I was watching WongFu Production's video "When five fell" and i went to some other tab....but sooner or later i just stopped everything and just sat and listened....the voice...the voices...in that video were heartbreaking.

i...don't know how to describe the feeling....the person speaking through the video, just captivated me. one of them especially made my heart just want to break. And that's when i realized how emotional and amazing one's voice can be. I can never get enough of the words. the music and video itself were both astonishing and entrancing as well. How is it that just a voice be so mesmerizing?? i think that's really fascinating and it also shows....how powerful a little thing can be.

It's the same with God. I felt overwhelmed when he started talking about God. How God is always with us. How we are His children...how we are all loved. It made me think...and it made me smile. His words filled me up. And though i don't know that guy's name, i really want to thank him cause he made my day.

Another jagged ramble ^^''