"I ... do not know if I'm the man you want, but would you be willing to hold my hand like this and never let go?"

If only I could paint with these words of mine
captivating pictures
full of life and color
that move the person
with unspeakable words
and inexpressible
emotions.

Lately I've been feeling helpless. When I see pictures I can see all the details and the beauty right before me. When I see movies, the entrancing music fills me up. But I struggle when I write. How is it that I can't capture any of these in my words? I wonder what to do...

"For a relationship to work both have to give everything and expect nothing." - David Shia

Treading on the asphalt road, I walk in silence.
This time there is no sky to look at, to dream about, to lift my spirits.
As I walk alone.
But that is the curse of the asphalt road.
So cold under my bare feet, the blackness of the road slowly suffocates me.
I can do nothing but keep walking
and wish to be saved.

But suddenly a hand grabs me from behind and turns me around.
A man cloaked in black. A top hat rests on his head.
Magician.
His warm hand touches my face and he lifts his hat so I can see his eyes.
A beautiful magician.
I take a breath as I stare at him in surprise.
And he asks
"Do you believe in magic?"

"The people are beautiful, it's society that's ugly"

It's been like this for a while. This feeling keeps burning at me. At the fingertips, the edges of my mind. Slowly it's taking over, gradually wrapping me in its flames.
But flames of what?

If only fire could dance in the wind. If only it could burn the chains off me so I could be whisked away by the wind and its voices. How odd, maybe I'm becoming more selfish. These flames are swallowing me up.  Eating my mind, only to get hungrier and hungrier.

These fingertips wanting to reach out.
This voice that wants to open to others.
The mind that wants to be loved and protected.
As a friend. As a family. As a person.

Is this burning desire. Greed?

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

In the end all things die, and all things are forgotten. It may take one day or a thousand years, but our names, deeds, and very existences will vanish unto dust in the end. From dust man came and to dust he returns.

But while man forgets, that which is beyond man remembers. One true legacy lies not in the annals of history but the formless memories of creation itself. While civilizations rise and fall with the wind, God will never forget.

-youtube user

link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcuPrbeb0p8&feature=BFa&list=SP6E64CE2CEB47FF2A&lf=list_related

"highfive yourself"- halls cough drop wrapper

music like waves.
if only i could be submerged in it.

if only
i could drown in it.

Midnight Kiss~

the song i hear only in my head
beats in tune with my racing heart.

waiting, it's all i can hear
the blurry lights all i can see.

but soon you arrive with your tie loose, hair in a mess
bending to rest your hands on your knees as you catch your breath.

as i turn around you look up at me and
smile.

ah
that crooked smile of yours
i can't help but love...

how long has it been? but the clock's been thrown out
the frozen moment stretches to infinity.

smiling back i run to you.

you pick me up
in a warm embrace

and


*                   *                     *                    *

inspired by the first minute of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88Fvc4fhAoM&feature=g-all-lik&context=G2e28548FAAAAAHgACAA

"What's gone is forever lost, all we can do is live."

Time is perfect. This cruel creature that only smiles at us from above. From around. From underneath. It reminds me of the everlasting waves of the ocean and how it's enslaved by the moon. For we are the ocean and Time is our master. Such a beautiful face but with such cruel eyes. I'm scared to look at those eyes. In fear that in fact they are hollow, they are empty. And that there really was no meaning in all of this.

"I SHALL NOW WRITE ABOUT MY DREAMS AND PERSPIRATIONS." -dan

I jerked awake panting. Sweat drenched my hair and stuck to the back of my neck. There was nothing around me except the familiar ivory light of the moon filtering through my uncovered window. Calming myself down, I let my eyes get accustomed to the darkness of my room. Instead they saw colors dancing in streams, twirling, twisting, shaping themselves into pictures and scenes in front of me. They moved almost in slow motion as if they were underwater, floating. As if they were casting a spell. Like ink in water, but instead in air. My breathing slowed down and I relaxed. Sinking back into the comforts of my bed, for a moment, I dreamt of the life I could never have.

"My memories look towards you, who I have forgotten in my heart" -Tonight

Eyes dulled by the gray murk

search for the silver light,

the invisible presence

of the Angels,

the faint shimmer of their golden wings

Beyond the reaches of its endless streams

lies the one with the halo

the one whose touch can not be touched

the face that cannot be seen

tucked away deep within the secrets of his dwelling

behind fields of lilies and the night blooming cereus 

near waterfalls of the far flung night sky

painted with streaks of sparkling orbs

Beneath the frozen clouds

underneath the still waters

a touch breaks the silence of the heart

rippling through the universe 

teetering on the fragile crescent moon

those crystal drops of water fall into the pool 

of his hidden palace 

There he holds the mirror of dreams

as he blesses the lands with his tears

the rush of water

the splash of life 

hidden alone within the clouds

next to landscapes of moon pools and 

still, silver waters that reflect the soft light

he sleeps in eternal silence 

waiting for another to shatter the fog that contains him

Below his beloved will live on, forever weeping while the unbound heavens whisper in her ear

her eyes will never see but the flutter of silver light

and the tips of those golden wings
though she will be blessed by the gentle wind
and the secrets of the winding paths to the moon

she will only feel the silent presence of his halo

"The early worm is for the birds."- Jay Min

I don't know why.
But I find myself fascinated by the few hours before noon.
I don't know why.
But I find myself drawn to the small hours after midnight before daybreak.
I don't know why.

But I get an odd feeling. When I feel protected. Just even for those few hours.
As if during those times the world breathes slowly with an undisturbed calm.
With the gentle white lights of the morning and the hazy yellow of the streetlights at night.
The gentle blue and the deep black.

I don't get this world. I tumble over my musings, as the present slips into the past minute by minute. Like a train, I whip past the landscape. But though the land will speed past me, I will always see the sky that changes slowly above me. Always above me. As the clock ticks in time with the train. Like the great wheel of time.
How big is this universe?
We run away.
Off somewhere. This speeding bullet.

I wonder why we live. To be sad to only be raised up. To be happy only to be shot down. To worship only to be ripped from your beliefs and shaken. To make only to break. To sing only to die.
I don't know why.
But I
find myself fascinated by this world.

"It's easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you." - Nathan Yamaguchi

I always planned on fishin'

Kept tellin' myself to git on with it.

Not too hard, but my God that waitn' sure does kill people.

But why should I wait?

Rather, I oughta just swim out there in the big ocean. To the horizon that never ends. Where limits will never close in on me. 

Do we want freedom too? Got to wonderin' if we fish to catch a piece of that freedom. In that world with no boundaries. We're unstoppable in this gigantic world.

Gots some fishin' to do. Some soul searchin'. Gotta catch my soul.

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."- Albus Dumbledore

I heard your dreams came true.
I heard that you're happy now.
Without me, but smiling.
Of course leading to the expected confusion of my heart. Whether to pity myself or be happy for you.
But I can only remember your radiant self in the blurry mirage ahead. And still I try. I look forward. I keep going.

I wish you'd hate me.
I wish you'd give me scorn.
I wish you'd glare at me.
Something.
Anything.

But you see through me.
Past me.
Cause I'm not there in your world.
I really am.
Nothing.

nothing..



nothing




to you.

This haziness. Of my mind. Inside it.
I scream that silent scream. The one no one ever hears. I cry those silent tears. The ones no one ever sees. And I try to desperately grab for you. Your feet. Your shoes. The threads that hang off the edge of your tattered jeans. I'm at my feet.
The ground.
Groveling.
Twisting in agony.
On the floor.
Reaching for you.
Will you save me? Will you know me? Will you
finally see me?
The one no one knows about.

But I'm really not there in your world.
So you smile.
At me.
But as I stare back.
I know.
It's not at me.

Cause I'm not there in your world.

"i don't know about my dreams. i don't know about my dreamin anymore. all that i know is i'm fallin fallin fallin fallin"

"Why?" I growl. "Why did you come back?"
She just smiles at me. That smile of hers. The all knowing smile. And no matter how hard I try to break from it, it always comes back to bind me. Again and again. Why?
I stare at her in sinking despair. Slowly...slowly the quicksand swallows me up.
And I freeze. Forced to a still. I can't move under this.
Weight.
On my shoulders. On my heart.
She keeps smiling. She came back. The girl I thought I had left behind. Came back to torment me.
With that smile.
That only grows wider. And wider.
I glare at her. But her eyes too can see through me. The truth does hurt. Like the glowering sun burning the mist away. Away. To a locked up place. Shot down from the skies. I bleed on the grass as my blood runs down the hill.
Will she laugh too?
"Why?" I sob.
..why
I can only ask this pitifully under my crushing defeat. While she smiles back from the mirror.

"When you have lemons, you make lemonade and when you have rice, you make rice balls." - Brock

"We're lost in the fog and I reach out to hold your hand. I feel a sharp slap that lingers in the air, so I turn around alone. And walk off going nowhere"

if only i could slip into an imaginary world.
melt into one of my dreams
and fade away into a story that only i know of.

what if i become a song.
and float carelessly along with the wind
to the clouds and up. and up.                     and up.

until the day i fall back down to earth. crying along with the rain.
but not alone.

"잊지 말아줘 사랑해. 너와 함께라면 이젠 행복한 나를"- 허각

Each day, like a routine...we'd lay on the sofa in exhaustion. Just looking at each other. And in the end, always smiling, laughing.
Like the fierce wind that rattles the leaves, this love sweeps through my soul as I gaze at those eyes of yours, glowing back at me in the light.
How long is forever? I wonder, for it never lasts.
Though the wind keeps blowing, now the trees stand bare as I stare back at the empty spot next to me.
And
So
Each day, like a routine...I lay on the sofa in exhaustion.
But always thinking of you.

(title: but never forget that I love you. If it is with you, I will be forever happy- Happy Me - 허각) 

‎"you know how far the ocean goes out when you look ahead that same depth of distance. it's what the sky above is"- Judy Kim

Alone. You were alone. In the gray room. You sat alone.

But were you lonely? I cannot say. Rather, I was sure I saw a glimpse of a soft smile on your face as you basked in the red sunlight that streamed down from the high window in the west.

The sun was setting.

But it wasn't the red sun I saw that stained the walls of the gray room, it was the colors of the music that rang clearly around you.

I never saw your complete face. Only the side of it when you'd turn a bit to listen more keenly to the tones of your instrument. When you'd start to lose yourself in the melodies. When you'd concentrate and furrow your eyebrows in the higher registers. When you'd smile in your own solitude.

And yet, I knew your thoughts. Your emotions. Your heart. Your everything. How breathless the moment was. The connection so alive, it felt as if you were playing only for me. ...only for me.

The Grandfather. The Cello. How beautifully he sang. How beautifully you played. 

I remember your body naturally flowing together with the cello as if it were a part of you. The way your back muscles moved with the rhythm as you glided the bow across. Ripple. The thin and long fingers slowly advancing up the fingerboard. Thumb position. Vibrato. Sway. 

Beautiful. 

The soft cascade of notes that followed blended the low tones together into a flowing pool of sound. 

I found myself lost in your world that you dreamt up. 

And someday. Maybe someday. I will reach you there. 

"Some people care too much, I think it's called love."- Winnie the Pooh

Change. What everyone loves and fears.

You've changed. Something that everyone fears.

Funny, it's only been a few years. Two to be exact. 

I remember you smiled. How carefree you used to be. 

"Chill. Take life easy. Relax. Why aren't you sleeping?" You laughed. I remember your eyes. 

"I don't know. I'd like to think I became like this so there's a way back to the way I was. But I just can't even remember what it was like." You stopped sleeping. I can't see you or hear you now. But even in your words, I can't feel your smile anymore. Are the smiles in those pictures fake?

Fear.

Frustration.

I don't know whether to punch you or hug you. 

Dear friend. Dear friend...I just don't know. What to do. To help. Do you even want help? But how can I just sit around and not do anything. You laugh. But it's not the same; it's empty. I wonder what your eyes look like now.  I want to pray for you, but I don't know who to pray to. Can I really not do anything but watch you like this? 

Dear friend, I just don't know. I'm so sorry. 

"No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall. No one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose. No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it. No one is afraid to say "I love you", they are afraid of the response."

"You can come up with a million reasons for us not to like you...but haven't we already chosen to accompany you as friends?"

Ah the feeling of the dam breaking as the water rushes out. At the end of the torrent, the river sighs in relief. 
In a frenzy of Confusion. Depression. Chaos. Despair. This sentence broke through. Like the single sun beam that shines through the storm clouds. Turning into a flood of light and warming the ground beneath it. 
How can words alone fill one up so easily as they can empty?


I still don't understand.

"Let's commit the perfect crime: I'll steal your heart, and you steal mine"

A quiet day. For once I can see the noon sun stream in from between the window blinds.
Fresh white. On the floor. On the walls.
It glows.
Soul beats. Jazz hop. Blues.
Float around me softly sliding between measures. Some with words. Others none.
Free, the underlying pulse keeps me movin
How far will I go
I ask
I dream
I wonder
But this bullet train is unstoppable.

"i wonder how fast i will disappear from your thoughts"

We sit in the soft grass that meets the shallow reaches of the pond. With our feet in the water, we play with the small pebbles underneath.  Ripples of water flow out from the low waterfall a few feet ahead and blur the image of the moon that tries to rest peacefully on the surface. Its light reflects off the crystal blue water and dances on the rocks strewn everywhere. Our backs are snugly hid by the thick layers of mossy trees; their branches and leaves hang out and above the clear water.
You keep your arms around me as we sit together, feet still in the water. I lean back into you, and you breathe into me; I feel your cheek resting on my head. I sigh. I trace the lines on your hands. Warm. When were people so warm? For a moment I only hear our breathing and the ripples of the water.
I shiver slightly at your touch as you brush against my arm accidentally. Ah.
You trace the lines on my hands.

And whisper into my ear...

"At what speed must i live to be able to see you again?" -5 Centimeters Per Second

The wind calmed down after yesterday's hurricane.

I like the wind.
I like the unconstrained wind.
Wind,
in the center of it
there is me.

My soul feels relief.
Each time the sun sets, the shadows begin to overtake the room.
The breeze starts to split into halves. Then splits halves into fourths.
It begins to deteriorate.
That moment, sounds starts to flow in my head. From some time ago, it was like this.
I can't remember when.

The shadows of those who take in the brightest light are the thickest.
Today the strong sun attacks me again.

Black tears.
White smiles.
Colorless me.
A world without color.

Without wounds it hurts.
With wounds it doesn't hurt.
Wounds that cannot be healed. Wounds that might be healed.
Wounds that will be healed.

Alone in a room without shadows, I sit freely.
I hear music in my ears
though I didn't turn it on.

~T.O.P. for Calvin Klein-Brooklyn Boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUHFMINagNU&ob=av2e

"Its amazing how much your happiness can depend on a single person" - Joyce Yang

"We'll meet again"

The wall has come down. Crashing in magnificence. Glorious cacophony. The cursed wall that separated our worlds. The wall tumbles down.
Please I ask, that you stay with me. Since when have I felt such a warm feeling? My friend...my dear friend...I love you more than you know it. You took my hand and rested it on your beating heart. Badump. It was with this hand I wiped your tears away. Badump. I tended to your wounds. Badump. Fought with you. Badump. Read you books. Badump. Held your hand. Badump.

So why you do you smile and walk away?
A goodnight kiss. But why are you saying goodbye?

My friend....we will meet again. I can only hope we can meet again.

No. 6

"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." -G.K. Chesterton

An ancient Chinese proverb says "An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, despite the time, the place, and despite the circumstances. The thread can be tightened or tangled, but it will never be broken". 

Haha.

ahaha.

what day was it again?
The day when we
haha
I remember him. The days we spent. I remember us...us boys. How young were we? I forget. We must have been at least eighteen. haha. only...seventeen.

Let me have some of that will ya? Starving. Here, let me help you with the bandages. Get your rifle brother. They're coming guys. What do we do? Did the nurse leave with the other division? Come on cheer up, the reinforcements will be around soon.
haha
The feeling of impeding dread is dim to me now. The second platoon had only 15 men. Or were we more like boys?
I remember the little brother. being shot in the head.
The elder brother's screams.
The heat of the blood. Splatter. Bullets spluttered more and more blood out of his small body.

Grenades blew up. Did their heads blow off their bodies too? haha
I can still hear the blasts reverberating in my ears. my mind. my chaos.
my torture.

Dust and debris. Retreat!
They all toppled over. Where were the others?
I can still feel how my own blood pounded in my head as more soaked into my uniform.

Gun shots. Shouts. The flag, I saw it crash down.
One enemy man was tearing at a boy's innards.
Fire had trapped some in the building. Was it the machine gun's screams, or my friends'?

The feeling of desperate fear. The plunging feeling of the gut. As we saw them advance forwards. Their tanks and guns gleaming meanly in the sun. The heat was rising.

My friend smiled at me. A reassuring smile. What faith he had.
I saw him run across. Like a hero. Throwing grenades at tanks and then at last plunging himself into the biggest with his own two grenades. Self sacrifice. Self suicide.

Bodies piled up. To never be recognized. Others crushed under the advancement of tanks. Ah, the machine guns echo in my dreams. The reinforcements arrived. And I shot the last guy.

But the rest were all gone.
Was my family killed too? Maybe tortured. Experimented on. Like rats.

Alone.

haha.
i should just kil-

haha.

"My thoughts were so loud, i couldn't hear my mouth" - Andy Zhao

I'm surrounded by warm water. Swirling around me in a steady relaxing rhythm.

But alarmed, my heart begins to speed and I half whimper in the echoing dark. 

The lights dance from the bottom.

"Breathe my child," she says, "You are safe with me."

Climb higher to that impossible

The fantasy that you long so much for. 

But I wonder...what it's like to actually reach it.

What would the feeling be after struggling for an eternity against rapid waters that drag me down and down grappling the life out viciously? 

To be able to rise out and take the first breath of fresh air. Cool and cutting.

To be able to sigh with utter relief and relaxation after the despair, true bottomless and looming despair, ends.

To find the very thing that fills me up, not only my heart but the gaping hole in my mind as well.

What would the feeling be like when I finally reach the other side and feel my aching body finally slow down?
Relax.

Observe the shimmer of stars. 

Smile.

"Child. Why are you afraid?" she asks.
I whisper back but only the lights hear me.

Kiss the Rain :]

RainyMood.com: Rain makes everything better.

quite true. put some soft piano music in the background and close your eyes.

"I'll be down, You be my offbeat~" -clara c

Fog billows into the mainland ever so quietly during the small hours before dusk.
Creeping and crawling, it swallows the houses and trees, hazing the luminescence of the street lamps. The streets are deserted now. No movement, no sound.
flicker
is that your heart?

The daylight breaks the shrouded dark, but the gray low lying clouds still drift above the dewy grass almost as if whispering to Mother Earth from the Heavens.
The cool mist clings onto my skin as I slowly walk through the lazy fog.
And as the white world swirls around me, my small figure slowly fades away from sight.

"나 안아줘...제발"

those warm hugs that seem to last forever and make Time catch his breath.

the abandoned girl has yet to know that feeling. 

be enveloped in the security and comfort.

and sigh.

In the quiet, she muses. Ponderous thoughts weighing her down. 

She is alone.

Never wanting to break the glass wall..it seems too perfect.

no. she should not. 

she can only want.

and stay that way.

Alone.

"Life is good because there are things i can do and there are things i can't do" -Subaru

It's been a while since I've listened to the crashing waves. I have yet to walk alone on that beach at night as the moonlight glitters on the waves. Red tide, wouldn't that be pretty?
Ah, I find this world so unrelentingly cold. So unforgiving. And lonely.
I can long all I want for some love and comforting heat.
For trusting smiles and open arms.

But as of now, I can only stay pent up in a box and imagine the sounds of the ocean.
It seems I cannot and never will get used to reality's harsh demeanor.

The green light.
I will never reach.

"All good things must come to an end"

Ah, what to say. what to say...         what to..                            say.
The heart feels prickled at that moment.
In that sudden realization.

How is it that moments ago, you were here in my arms. The last warm yet desperate embrace.
And now, I can still feel your hands in mine.
Just almost. I can.
Smell the soft scent of you.
Shiver slightly at the touch of your hair on my cheek as you lean your head on my shoulder.
Remember faintly your heat in the cold rain.
That smile
Your laugh
Our house.

Men aren't supposed to cry. I'm not supposed to cry. I shouldn't           cry.
But sometimes the emptiness is too much.
As if a black wave crashes over me, but silently. Stealthily, so I won't know till it's too late.
But by then, you'll probably be gone.

I said to you that we'd meet each other again, so this last meeting of ours must be a happy one. I wanted us to remember our smiles. So thank you. For the months of our happiness. And I will always pray for more happiness for you.

I wonder, if we can still be together in our thoughts. If you think of me, and I think of you, will it not count as such?

Human emotion. So beautiful and entrancing, I can't help but be swallowed up in it. Yet, at the end there are only tears I wish were gone.

"The past is a good place to visit but certainly not a good place to stay"

It's been a long time since I felt that same regret. That same shame of being myself. I know I shouldn't, but I forced myself to look back. To see if I really had moved on, but of course I still have not. Maybe I never will. I'll just keep going round in pathetic circles. Never moving forward. I broke down thinking of you. I'm sure you're miles ahead of me; you were always so headstrong. Ah if only I could apologize again. Will you still look at me with those cold eyes?


"We can forget the words of our enemies, but we will never forget the silence of our friends", but what stings more is if you don't even know if that person is your friend anymore....

"You're still beautiful to me"- Epik High

While I sit with sadness seeing as I am
unable to see you even though
I think of you,
the sun sets and the wind awakens, and
only the scarlet petals are what I see.
-Bride of the Water God


I happened to glance at the two while they just looked at each other from a little distance. But the one second, turned into a much longer second...and I just watched their intense gaze. Was it hate? Or was it love? I couldn't tell, but I felt almost lonely because I had no other person.

"a world of dreams floats past you on a cloud you cannot touch "

"Nostalgia - it's delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It let's us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved. "- Mad Men

Pain from an old wound. Happy but sad. It's always just that. That feeling. That internal gasp. And each day we live, we pile the memories up high, to only look at them again on a different day. "Only to look, never to touch" And this insanity will never stop. Until the day we die.
When we die...

"I tell you not to be distracted by thoughts of me yet here I am…distracted by thoughts of you" -Conway

"chat:  do you like anyone?
nono
like
like like
not like" - Jonathan

Sunlight showered down like glitter and basked us in a wonderful warmth. Comfortable and relaxed, we let our smiles play out in the field while we sat on the grass and counted clouds. They floated carelessly across the light, blue dome and refreshed our souls as we watched them ever so slightly respond to the wind's whispers. And even then, my heart would flutter while you were close. This simple bliss. Time had fallen asleep that day.

I followed the footprints that you left trailing behind you. And periodically the waves would reach us and tickle our feet. Nothing between us and the sky, I looked in awe how the sun had set his home on fire. My blood pulsed through me as I ran into the ocean, and you suddenly picked me up from behind and swung me around. Screams of delight. We yelled our wishes across the ocean hoping the water god would hear them on his throne on the horizon. Our laughter echoed, resonating off the cliff's walls and lonely railroad tracks behind us. This breathless emotion. Where was Time to watch us?

You held my hand as we walked along in the dark. The ivory moon cast her soft light and helped us on our way back. We observed the stars shining vividly and the colored mesh above us melting magnificent, bold colors into one another . We could see the Milky Way. Maybe today was the day when the two lovers in the sky could cross the Silvery River of Heaven and meet each other at last: a happy thought from a sad story of fate. A blanket of gentle heat enveloped us, but I felt more keenly your warmth burn the senses on my skin. This glowing feeling in my heart, how was I going to contain it?

The rain poured down on us. Arizona rain. Sitting on the stairs of the playground, we watched the storm clouds flash with lightning and heard them boom across the sky. The music from the water calmed me down while you held me close hugging my waist. So close... And then you stole me away. In between slow, sweet kisses, my breath ran away from me.  My fingers traced the gaps between yours, but you soon completed them with mine. And there we quietly hid from the world under one umbrella. Ah this beautiful rapture. I became scared that Time would take you away.

But until then. Each day. I ask. That you be with me.

"I remember back when I used to have a Motorola phone my friend sent me this really funny text and I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur."

"There's no colour
called love in this world;
yet how completely
my heart
is dyed with it."
~Lady Izumi

Colors melt in the air
diffusing into a cloud
of ribbons and wisps
As if in water.

Like secrets softly being murmured
or memories fading away
slowly they float, suspended,
while air gently pulls them along
But they too will disappear.

"You look so beautiful on this starry night, loving the way the moonlight catches your eyes & your smile"- J.r.a.

Thank you.

Everyone. 

I'm bad at expressing all my feelings and thoughts into words, but I really want to let you all know that I really do cherish you guys. Everyone I've met in my life, thank you. You've changed me into someone better, and no matter how much I say thank you, I can't and never will be able to say those words enough. We will all part our ways, but I hope you will all be happy and live life to the fullest. 

And really

Thank you.

So much.

"she lied everyday to achieve her goal. Her goal? To make everyone happy."

Helen Keller once said,
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.”
In other words:
YOU CAN’T TOUCH THIS.
-Tyler Im

Silently I sit up in bed. I look behind me to observe the soft orange lights from the streetlamp filter through the window blinds. Too early before sunrise, a dead silence hangs in the air. But I hear my heart. Beat. Ever so quietly. Hush my dear. And only in my dreams, does the electric violin wail in the night. It pierces my soul and I am left breathless as I hear its pain and all its sorrow and desperation for humanity. How does this mere instrument capture these raw emotions that flare up in us. This beautiful yet frightening sound...It keeps me up as I listen to its screams. I wince. Are we not but beasts that pretend?

"Here is the end for the both of us, and until the world would allow our love then..."- parkbom

Her hair slipped out from his fingers as she walked away.
The rain was pouring down as he watched her leave.
Ah, that warmth he felt with her was slowly disappearing.
But they knew that the rain was hiding both their tears.

That simple happiness from the past, was it not reality? Then what is this anguish now?

"...and do you know the type of love that hurts as you think over everything at night, each thought stabbing you because all you can do is stare at each other with pained eyes that long for each other but cannot have? the agony that burns your soul and eats away at your heart..."

The night falls softly on her hair as she sits on the rock and looks down at the lake. Cold and still, the crystal surface cuts through the deep secrets of the earth. Winding along forgotten paths, it shows your heart's locked up memories. And for the girl, a chiseled face appears in the pool...the one she loves but can never have. A beautiful reflection..she can only gaze at it now. After so many beautiful nights together, Fate with jealous streaked eyes tore them apart.
What is this bottomless pit of despair that burns at the heart? She can only look up at the lonely, ivory moon and wish wistfully.

While he... looks down from above and cries. He let's it rain from the heavens to replace his own tears. How fragile and enchanting humans are. He has the power to obtain all he wants...but what his heart desires, he cannot have.
Another story for the cursed red spider lily to taunt for the leaves and the flowers will never see each other. Its entire lifespan puts them so close together, but they will never touch...always missing each other. He can only watch as she slowly dies each day and after only a hundred years, she will disappear while he lives on. A burning desire paired with a slow agony...it can only last forever. Eternity never ends...

The lake's cold surface cracks under the motion of a ripple. Drop by drop, her falling tears muddle the clear image...
Stare at the reflection of the moon...but touch it, and it will waver. Gaze at the beauty itself...but reach for it, and it will always be out of your grasp.

What if a human and a god loved each other?

"나는 이제 구름만 봐요"

The wind gently blows the long, white curtains draped in front of the the window. A soft afternoon, the only noises are the rustle of the leaves and the faint drone of cars speeding through the city in the background. The breeze wafts into the room and caresses the boy's sleeping face while stroking through his hair. However, hearing the whispers, the boy wakes up in a confused state. Peace flutters upon his eyes as he looks to the light streaming in. Having forgotten about the world, his gray eyes look with indifference...yet in him a fragile longing still pulses.

It's been a while my love.

"music lifts my soul as your melody fills my heart"

A distant emptiness clouds my mind...

But I remember the warmth of those hugs. And when I sit...I can't help but look on either side of me.

Just to see no one.

Those hands of mine that used to wave excitedly in the air now lay dead at my side waiting to wipe away tears.

And I feel lonely.

I sat on the curb...at midnight and stared at the one streetlight in the distance. My thoughts tripped over each other and tumbled and crashed into a confusing cascade. Falling down and down.

It was cold.

And I needed a hug. A warm embrace to catch my wandering soul.

"I escape in my imagination as I wander out of reality and into my dreams. Don't let me fall into despair."

I remember that little girl. She used to run to me screaming with happiness. I could see her smile and hear her laugh from a distance and always know it was her. She was the brightest among the other children..and whenever she saw me, she'd run to me yelling, "Brother!" while her pigtails and ribbons would stream behind her. I wasn't really her brother but warmth always filled up my heart and I'd catch her in my arms and twirl her around. Happiness radiated from this small girl...What a happy memory.
I watched her while she grew up. Each year, her cute puffy cheeks slimmed down into a fairer face and her eyes began to tell more than her mouth. Her innocent air from childhood began to fade as she matured into a beautiful young lady and slowly she began to gaze more at the world. She was still radiant with light, but it was changing into a soft shimmer of the moon instead of the bright blaze of the sun. Her wide smile and loud laugh became a gentle smile of understanding. "Brother", she'd say. She was too old and big to pick up and twirl. But to me, she still was the happy little girl who flung herself at life with all her heart and joy.
We sat underneath a blossoming tree and watched as the gentle breeze swooped the delicate flowers into the air and set them on the breathing earth. I watched her as her eyes followed the falling flowers...and she spoke to me but it seemed more as if she was addressing her words to Mother Nature.
"Brother...the world is a sad place"...and she gave a sad smile.

And I didn't know what to say.

You're my friend every hour of the day. Except when I'm at college. Which will be all the time. So....................... bai.- Aria Andreas Salehi

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. practice wellness. play with abandon. laugh. choose with no regret. continue to learn. appreciate your friends. do what you love. live as if this is all there is. -mary anne radmacher

7/16/11
Tan Dun. What an amazing guy. I almost felt like he was ancient because he just radiated that Chinese culture. The old Chinese culture that ran deep in the bones. Oriental and authentic. Deep respect ran through me as I thought about how those philosophies and traditions still live in him and how he spreads them with his words. And his music? breathless.
The Internet Symphony. Starting from an intense buildup of sound from the twang of the strings. Then the loud percussionist feel starts accelerating the intensity. And out of all the commotion from the din, the brass proudly state their message. And once the melody floats off, the orchestra speeds up again in almost a racetrack feel. And even with that running background, little images jump out from underneath with all their glory and colors. Build up even more as the clashing and clanging get louder and louder and the orchestra holds its breath for the last three chords. And there everything explodes and everything just soars up and out of the pages. Exhilarating.
Eternal Vow from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon Soundtrack. The soft background of the Chinese drums and flute prompt the cello solo. And softly she enters. It felt like a spirit was moving through the shadows of a forest deep in the heart of China. And slowly the orchestra strings join in taking it all higher. A tinge of sadness, the lonely spirit moves through the music in a slow but mysterious pace through the journey of life. And while she walks..the haunting melody follows her. And in the end, the sounds just echo and hang in the air... how do you describe that feeling? I don't even know. When your heart is in your throat, and you don't know whether to cry or smile. It felt like everything...

He was so happy. Tan Dun. He went through the Chinese Cultural Revolution and came out of it with a resolve to restore culture, music, and freedom of expression. He's never let go of that happiness. That innocence. He was like a child almost. I've never met such a happy Asian...so incredible. I don't know what else to say...

“The voice of the sea is seductive; never ceasing, whispering, clamoring, murmuring, inviting the soul to wander for a spell in abysses of solitude; to lose itself in mazes of inward contemplation.” – The Awakening – Kate Chopin

She could feel the blood dribble down the knife. It stained her hands and her soft white gown that hung close to her body. The young woman's lips quivered as she stood tense outside the door hiding in the dark. Breathing raggedly, her mind throbbed and she kept seeing the blood gush out of his body.
She shook her head and silently she prayed to an invisible god to calm her jagged heart as she stepped into the room where he slept. The moonlight outlined his jawline as she gazed at the lips that used to smile at her occasionally. His eyebrows were relaxed contradicting his usual furrowed and serious look. His peace made her heart warm, but it still beat terribly as she raised her clean knife ever so slowly. The grip tightened but the control deteriorated as she started to shake. The beat was accelerating as her heart began to hyperventilate faster and faster. Her mind. A frenzy.
A cool hand grabbed her fiercely. Startled, the girl blinked out of her illusion and found herself staring back at dark chocolate eyes. They were the same ones she loved and the same ones she always got lost in. He had somehow sat up before she could move and continued to gaze at the girl he loved with stern, confused eyes that seemed to pierce her soul. Time suspended itself in the air and hung around the two as they both held their silence for that infinite moment. No thoughts transferred through their eyes but there was still the obvious question paired with an unspoken answer.
The knife slipped out of her uncontrollable hands and as it fell it coldly sliced the man's arm making a shallow cut. Like the girl imagined before, the blood dripped out and fell on the floor..drop by drop while more streamed down his arm. With no thoughts, the girl ran out of the room. Horror on her face. The wind carried her off as her heart beat at an agonizing tempo. Her chest tightened and seized along the way as she kept rewinding back to her dark cloudy thoughts and his deep, auburn eyes. She loved him. And horror shivered on her face once more as the cold wave of failure washed over her mind.
The young man was right behind her. He sprinted with his life, wild with dread and bewilderment. He threw away almost everything for her...he wasn't going to let her go now. But the question "why?" pained his heart. The girl ran straight towards the cliff's edge but looked back once to see his face. He was still running towards her but this time with a desperate look. Tears welled up in her eyes as she smiled for him one last time...and she fell backwards into the churning sea. The man had almost reached her, but he was too late and collapsed right on the edge and looked down for her. But she was nowhere to be seen. And he just sat there. While the storming rain pounded on his frail body. She was gone. And he was alone. In every gasp he took, the excruciating pain ripped through him more and more. Where had all the happiness gone?
And the little mermaid vanished, melting into sea foam.

The next day, the young man was gently woken up by the soft sound of the waves. He found himself on the shore of the beach and had to squint for the sun was glaring into his eyes. The sky seemed much bigger than usual with its meld of pastel and deep blues. And he felt a warm see breeze gently caress his face. Was it her? And though the tears began to fall and his heart began to twist, he could not help but think of the happy times of when he first met her on the very same spot he was sitting. It was as if the wind was her kiss, the warmth was her hand, and the waves, her voice...
The ocean and its secrets..was it hiding their memories?

"Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles" -Mike Greenberg

may the sun bring you new energy by day
may the moon softly restore you by night
may the rain wash your worries
may the breeze blow new strength into your being
may you walk gently through the world
and know its beauty all the days of your life
-apache blessing

"Something to read while waiting for the bathroom"

I find this on the bathroom door in my cabin

"The glass is neither half empty nor half full, it is just twice as large as it's supposed to be"
"Smile it makes people wonder what you're thinking of"
"I live in my own little world, but it's okay they know me here"
"Isn't it amazing how quickly the mood can change with a broken condom?"
"Don't drink and park: accidents cause people"
"Find a penny, pick it up, and all day you'll have a penny"
"The closest I've come to a 4.0 is my blood alcohol level"
"...and last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I though to myself 'where's the ceiling?''
"To steal ideas from one person is called plagiarism. To steal ideas from many people is called research"
"Don't judge a book by its movie"
"Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else"
"Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol"
"Eat healthy, exercise regularly, die anyways"
"Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do"
"Light travels faster than sound that's why some people look bright until you hear them speak"
"Why do you always find what you're looking for where you look last? Because after you find it you stop looking"
"Words in parentheses can (not) be ignored"
"Join the army, meet interesting people, then kill them"
"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have more of them live longer"
"If I try to fail and I do, does that mean I've succeeded?"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"No matter where you go in life, you are always where you are"
"I doubt therefore I might be"
"A conclusion is simply the place where you get tired of thinking"
"A day without sunshine is like...night"
"It's better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove any doubt"
"Friends are people who know the music of your heart and sing it for you when you forget the tune of your own song"
"When you're surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying"

"See the sky blue even if it is gray"

Bittersweet. Endings. But they're only the beginning.
I've always noticed that whenever I meet new people, I always have to let go of them too soon. And it leaves just a bittersweet imprint on my mind. Happy memories but sad feelings. But I must thank you guys. I came to the place alone and found a family. I don't even speak the same language as you, and yet somehow I became part of your group. It's ironic. I can never really fit into groups and find myself hopping to different ones all the time, never really rooted in one. And now I find myself close to all of you when at times I have no idea what you're saying. Stupid? I'd say amazing. Music really is a universal language.
I cried so much that night. We all did. The baton broke and inside my heart jerked a little too. It was so sudden. I teared up a bit but when I saw you guys crying, that's when I started sobbing. Those warm hugs of yours....I'm going to miss them. Sincere words and sincere feelings. I will always remember how you guys held each other sobbing knowing that you might never see each other again. How painful it was to watch all of us cling on to each other desperately not wanting to let go...whispering "i love you" over and over again. Bonds run deep.
Maybe I was the only one who saw this. Tear stained and tired and I gazed around me. And I saw a lone bubble just floating around. It shined a beautiful rainbow and flit around in the night sky when it swooped to the floor. And with a touch it popped and was gone. It was gone. I felt like it almost symbolized our summer. Such a beautiful, precious time it was for us and suddenly it's over....And it felt as if those memories were going to fade away in an instant. But as I came to you crying like a lost child, you hugged me tightly. I'll always remember. Thank you for giving me so much happiness this summer. I can and will never be able to thank you all enough. I hope you know how much I love you guys.

te extraño. te amo. mucho.

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid"-Albert Einstein

This time my lights are on. The darkness has left me to shrivel in the glare of reality. I blast music to numb my mind but to no avail; my fears cloud my mind and ever so slightly squeeze my heart. And with each second, the pulse beats faster and faster speeding through the night. The grip tightens as I think of the future. Abstract and beautiful it swirls in front of you, and only you can shape it with your own hands. But those creations of mine always drip with black sludge. Tainted and ugly they trail behind me growing eyes to stare at my back and pierce my soul with glares. Of taunt. Of disdain. Of hatred. They all laugh at me. And I walk on afraid. The clutch around my heart grasps desperately again and my soul flickers under the pressure. The blood spurts and oozes out of the cracks in the hand and slowly dribbles on the gray floor. While I gasp and struggle, slowly dying.

"every night I will sit alone in that dark corner, but every morning small rays of light will filter through the windows and raise me up"

I will be happy.
I will be sad.
I will be happy for you.
I will be sad.
I will be happy again.

What am I. I don't even know. What am I doing.

"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to."

It's been on my mind for a while.

Trust. What is it? 

Many people before have told me "You can't trust anyone."

Today someone told me "You can't change the world. You can't change human nature."

It's...just so sad. 

I went home and cried later in the night. 

Why are we so sad? That we can't trust everyone.....

I feel like I'm thinking very naively.

but it feels so lonely.

"The people and friends that we have lost, or the dreams that have faded...never forget them."-yuna

It's a warm day and a blowing, soft wind rustles my hair every so often. Lying down in a field of grass, I can spot the occasional flower with its petals shining under the sunshine. They sparkle in the corner of my eye, but the sky is what keeps me awake. Magnificent blue. That huge expanse leaves me in awe as I feel insignificant in the world... but I suddenly think of you. We're under the same sky and nothing can stop us. Can you see my heart from all the way over there? I'll stay here and watch the rain clouds roll in and feel the rain drops drizzle onto my face. The cool water, let it wash over me as I think through my thoughts. I"ll lie here and watch the sunset and rise. Hues of soft lavender melting with warm blue, or fiery bold colors of red and yellow. I'll sleep here and dream of the clouds floating lazily over head above the tall trees. Where are they going? To you I suppose. Let those shapes shift and dance and I will wish I were one of them. To float so freely and gracefully through the sky; flying seems exhilarating. Let's take pictures of the moon and the stars we see from afar and send them to each other . And while you're over there, and I'm over here, we can watch the world pass by together.

"it's that familiar face. familiar smile. i know that voice. the same skip of a beat."

The chaotic background rushes at you, and you start to hyperventilate. Breathing gets ragged and the noise is too much. Like black hands with an evil grin, everything swoops at you knocking you cold, but you still feel the pain. The pain that haunts you, the stress that jabs at you. It's all there with the crowd that unceasingly keeps moving in a fury. But stop time for a bit. And watch everyone move in slow motion. And. Calm. Down. You're alone, and the only one moving in the frozen world. Deep breaths, and retrace your steps to that place you call happy.

Watch the water that spilled in the air drop slowly to the floor in sparkling droplets. How can such a simple thing turn into a most beautiful show? The only way to stop and smell the roses is to slow down. And likewise, to see the world as it is.

"Do you know the type of love that overflows with happiness and you can't contain it as the exhilaration rushes through and you can't help but smile?"

The anxiety builds as we climb up. Louder and louder, the sounds clash together to make a grand noise that rings across the hall. But as the battle continues, a sweet melody rings above all and pierces each soul as the melody flows out and dances across the thin air. And I play in the midst of the sea. Rolling across hills and flying over oceans, we tell the story no one else can. One glance and the eyes meet; the energy sparks the air and the electric flashes jump alive. Into that fantasy world we enter and explore the new green with a small smile on our faces.

Thank you for this year. Meeting as strangers, we've become more than friends even though I don't talk to you much. Connected through the music, it's a feeling that's felt with the heart and can't be truly expressed with words. Thank you for those breathless moments when our eyes meet as we start a new phrase, thank you for your wisdom, and thank you for everything you have done to let me become closer to music. I love the way you smile at small things and when we play side by side; I'm going to miss that and your thoughts...but hopefully I'll see you around and we'll talk again. I hope you won't forget me, because I will never forget you. I wish the best for you future~

Thank you. Really.

"The sky is of an expressionless face that holds no answers. You’re probably hiding behind the clouds, you’re probably a star"- TOP

Imagine if you could fly to the air above you. The wide sky, and to the blue expanse. We'll stream through the clouds and burst into the open. And there we'll float free. Breathe with me and let the exhilaration pulse through your veins as the light streams out from the sun. And we'll fly higher into the sky, where no one has ever been.

Imagine if you could run with speed. Through the rainforest we'll power through. Jump above the trees and swing to the heavens. Let the air stream behind you and watch it swirl as you go. We'll race all day and with a running head start, we'll both jump off that cliff. Gravity will take over and let us fall. Let the exhilaration pulse through your body as you see the world flash by as you fall. Parallel to the massive waterfall, there's no bottom and we'll never crash. And we'll fall forever together.

"waving goodbye your young heart cries for you" -Casablancas

"i breathed in the thin cold air that stabbed at my lungs and dimly i felt my muscles ache. gasping, i looked around me and recognized nothing. i thought to myself i had to keep moving, but instead my face crumbled as those thoughts washed over me. my tears ran down as I realized that i would never be able to run away. and the dark night strangled and swallowed my figure."

I'm sure everyone gets the feeling that they're running nowhere. But that feeling is just so depressing sometimes. Because you're just....going nowhere no matter how badly you want to be at that other destination. Failure laughs at your face and slaps you. Despair grips you tightly.
Those desperate hearts of ours...what do they really want? Everyone would say love...but what is love? So many works center on love, but I don't think many know what it really is. Is it happy? I smile one moment and feel sad a moment later...but why do I keep smiling? It always feels as if I'm falling off the cliff and that I will have no future for me. Happy is quite fickle. It will come and go. And as I look back on those memories, they will always haunt me with the happy times I will never be able to go back to...and the mistakes I will never be able to fix.
I always have those moments when I laugh and I smile with the ones I love most dearly but once I turn away I feel so empty...just heart wrenching empty. Am I afraid that I'm going to lose them? Already I'm feeling more distant to those people as more and more start to just stare off and never talk to me again. That security I used to feel disintegrates so fast and I'm left alone in a barren world in my mind. Imaginary stories can only go so far. Maybe I'm just selfish...
I don't really know who I am. This bipolarity of mine is confusing me and whenever people ask me about myself, I don't know what to say. If I say anything I feel as if I'm lying because I could easily be another. I just show one side...or is this the same for everyone? I don't really know...then doesn't that mean society is fake? How artificial is this world of ours?
We toil to get to where? I see so many quietly take advantage of others while smiling at their faces. Is that ok? It's as if humans have never been honest ever...and will never be. Why do we feel the need to run in the first place? Running nowhere... we're always running nowhere.

"i realized too late that I had been loving you all this time"

i sit in the dark. and in the silence i can hear the faint sound of water dropping in the distance. lonely i stay. musing through my thoughts. until a hand reaches down and pulls me up and I see you. You smile at my dull eyes and take me to the light where the warm sun blinds me.

"There might be times when the strong winds come between us. Just don’t let go of that hand we are holding on to."

Sometimes I stare at that emptiness. On the other side I see nothing but white, but then again there's nothing here either. Blank. And the sun will rise and reflect off of the wall. That glass wall I want to break between us. Squinting, it gets hard for my eyes to keep looking at the glaring reflections while the colorful lights dance off the walls. In the shadows I sit next to you, but you never notice.

Quietly you sit with your back leaning on the glass. Thinking softly, you just sit there staring at the window as the sun sets. Your hand rests on the floor right next to me, and I reach out to touch it ever so slightly.

But my hand reaches only the cold wall...while your hand is on the other side. Though I can see you so clearly, I know I will never reach your heart and you will never see me. And that hand of yours will always rest there alone. The silence in our hearts fogs the glass wall. As night falls, you disappear.

And I wonder. How did I end up here?

"want to know where your heart is? watch where your mind goes when you daydream"

Silence. What is this? It's empty. The white void stares back at me while I search frantically around me. Then I see you in the distance, your back facing towards me. I can't see your face. I slump to the floor gazing but I don't feel anything. Why? Nothing? All I feel is the lonely emptiness as a soft melancholy hangs in the air around us.

"it's the beauty of friends. the beauty of smiles. as we grow together."

Quite true. Is it not? That magical bond you can make with someone through years of just being together. I think that...that essence is amazing. I've never had that deep kind of bond since I've always moved around, so now I always feel a bit left out or lonely because I don't really belong. It's always me that has to break bonds at home and barge into new ones in another place. It's..quite awkward. And I can't help but feel lost, because how can an outsider suddenly be included in that special bond that people have shared for so long? I can't help but ask myself...where do I belong? Wherever I go...those connections always fade...somehow someway. It's always so temporary.

I'll look at a group of people. And I see them smile. laugh. Like they're the best of friends and always will be. That simple spark they have between them is so lovely and intimidating. Lovely because it's kind for Time to have nurtured and loved them to let them become close. Intimidating because I know that I will never be part of that bond. Maybe for a second I will feel loved, but I know that deep inside, I'll never truly be apart of their inner world. I can just sit outside in the dark. by myself. confused about where i really belong.

"Missing someone who moved away hurts. Missing someone who died, hurts worse. But the thing that hurts the most, is missing someone you see everyday."

It's that feeling when you're all flustered.
when you can't look at at that person in the eye
but you want to.

when you do, a light shimmers in yourself

and you can't help but smile softly

so as time passes by, don't wave and let it go...catch it

yiruma~

"sandwhich at first sight"

the pen
lays on the paper
like a picture
perfect
the light softly cascades down
and illuminates the side
black and white
as the pages dance with the wind
and the story sings through the air

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."-winnie the pooh

You kept saying sorry over and over again.
why?
I didn't understand...but I kept smiling through the phone. laughing. it's all right I say.
I hear your voice break and your low tones fill my head while you talk

once the call ends, all I can think about is your voice over and over again.

"If you love her, let her go. If she comes back to you, she's yours. If she doesn't, then it was never meant to be."- ruochen

did you know you make me smile?

but that's a secret

shhh. softly, quietly, take my hand.

happy birthday arizona

:]

"as time rolls on, people get more beautiful."-s L

just because i'm busy doesn't mean i don't love you.
just because i smile doesn't mean that i'll never cry.
but know that the setting sun will always rise the next day.
so stay for just a little longer
and walk with me,
as love dances ahead in front of us~ 

(inspired by father nick)

11:11 make a wish

"afterlife'll be fun
I'll be like WHAT UP G-----SUS
and he'll be like WHAT UP BRO HOME DAWG
yeah"

 the waves of sound wash over you. filling up your heart and calming your soul. Watch as he plays. Swaying to the phrases of musical sentences that float off the page. His heart sings to you as he smiles with the notes. Feel the passion that radiates from his glowing skin. Free, in his own world, that he is trying to convey to you alone. Jubilant and majestic, he marches on melting into a sweet tune. Dance because he is with you. Let the melody overwhelm as the emotion intensifies. into pain. and sorrow. The expression changes into a despairing face. Let the tears overflow. Those memories the author wrote so long ago revive through...him. Faster. Accelerate from blue to firey red. Flame and hate. The hurt and excruciating agony in the nights explode. Under the same stars... accelerate and...
slow down. The air cools so walk with me as time slows to a tired pace. And he remembers as he opens his eyes. The waves wash back and the smile returns but with a touch of tears...sadness echoing in his sound.

stay still. And listen. While the grandfather plays his haunting melody of sorrow.

"get into your shell and just clam down" -terrance cao

It floats superficially and fools the world. I sit on the other end where the sun sets and in the morning I can only catch a glimpse. Slowly building up and ebbing away, my emotions crash with the tide. Close your eyes and listen. Those memories will start whispering to you. Regret walks and sits near smiling with her dancing eyes as the chill sinks in; the warmth is too far away from me now. My voice gets lost in the sounds of the waves as I look back and desperately try to grab for the stars. Outlining, but never getting the whole picture. Scared. Of what? I only know too well...

Those footprints of mine slowly wash away with the breaking waves

"you made me smile a lot. never cry tho"

I sit...on that swing of ours. And rock back and forth while the rain pours down. My toes sink into the wet sand as I close my eyes and let the rain patter on my face. I smile.
It's odd. I've let go. But why do you still haunt me. Underneath the heavy rain, I can smell your scent...that used to be so close. The swing slows down. I see your smile flash in the distance; your arms hold me from behind.
It all slowly sinks in. And I take up the memories that I had cast in the dark...so long ago. My shadow always catches up, creeping on me from behind. That slow agony. You can't reverse time. And the swing stops.
I'm losing you. And it scares me. I know your face, I know you...but do I know you? They all slip away. The happy. The sad. They all flow into the river as the rain washes them out. I swim for them. But end up drowning. I cough up blood on the edge. Heartbeat races. I swing up to the sky. Where are you....

And in midair. I jump off the swing. I fly free under the stormy clouds as the rain stings my face. The seconds expand into an infinite moment as I float in space in peace. I smile.
But gravity takes hold and shuts me down. I tumble and crash. Concrete hits hard. The slow accelerates into a wall. Impenetrable. And I just lay there. Broken.
But...I'll smile for you. Cause I've always smiled. I'll always smile.
As my heart slowly bleeds dripping blood behind me.

"baby don't cry"

sometimes...i wonder if i'm the only one who cries under the night sky. alone.

"though i would hide it, he questions me 'is something bothering you?'''

I dreamt that I was running. Free. And it was. Amazing. I had never run that fast in my life. That exhilarating pace that never tires you down and you just keep running faster and faster under the vast night sky. That feeling wells up in you as you jump over obstacles. You race. Speed picks up dancing along with you. Jump to the trees and leap down. And each time lose yourself in the breathless journey.

"someday we'll watch the sun glow as it sets"

"I might be a shabby person who has never done anything for you

But today, I am singing this song just for you

Tonight, within those two eyes

and smile I can see the pains from protecting me

You and I together. It's just feels so right

Even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you

You and I together, don't ever let go of my hands

even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you "

 Today. He smiled. 

It was a smile of remembrance. A smile from a memory. Or perhaps an inside joke. The moment was rare...almost precious. His face normally gray, blank and desolate, a plain wall impossible to understand, shone out from under the rain..Cause today... the sun rays streamed out of the clouds. illuminating the treetops.

And I saw him smile.

"When I was 5 years old, my mom told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life. "

Happy...is such a fickle friend. But when he's with me, the day becomes so much brighter. It's almost tantalizing because I know that he'll go off and leave me someday. Without him, I'm always insecure and I always wonder when he's going to come back...will he ever come back? Maybe he has a restless heart so that's why he wanders off. Or does he get angry at me?
I saw a rainbow today. We were driving and I happened to look up...to see a brilliant huge rainbow smiling at me. I smiled back at the new year. I saw that rainbow again. Happy had knocked on my door to come home once again.

"you need to turn off the lights; do you want the world to end?"- Susan Lee

my hands warm up while i keep them wrapped around my mug of hot chocolate
the soft, fur blanket heats my toes
and behind me the intense blaze from the fire singes my back.
i snuggle with my pillow
and i see the world outside
filled with lights and snowflakes.

the world whizzes by and i can only see a blur of lights.
An amazing ride that makes my heart flutter.
it flies out to the sea into the night sky
and lands on a shimmering snowflake.
as it melts, those tears drip from your eyes
and the smile that once reigned
fades away.