"I ... do not know if I'm the man you want, but would you be willing to hold my hand like this and never let go?"

If only I could paint with these words of mine
captivating pictures
full of life and color
that move the person
with unspeakable words
and inexpressible
emotions.

Lately I've been feeling helpless. When I see pictures I can see all the details and the beauty right before me. When I see movies, the entrancing music fills me up. But I struggle when I write. How is it that I can't capture any of these in my words? I wonder what to do...

"For a relationship to work both have to give everything and expect nothing." - David Shia

Treading on the asphalt road, I walk in silence.
This time there is no sky to look at, to dream about, to lift my spirits.
As I walk alone.
But that is the curse of the asphalt road.
So cold under my bare feet, the blackness of the road slowly suffocates me.
I can do nothing but keep walking
and wish to be saved.

But suddenly a hand grabs me from behind and turns me around.
A man cloaked in black. A top hat rests on his head.
Magician.
His warm hand touches my face and he lifts his hat so I can see his eyes.
A beautiful magician.
I take a breath as I stare at him in surprise.
And he asks
"Do you believe in magic?"

"The people are beautiful, it's society that's ugly"

It's been like this for a while. This feeling keeps burning at me. At the fingertips, the edges of my mind. Slowly it's taking over, gradually wrapping me in its flames.
But flames of what?

If only fire could dance in the wind. If only it could burn the chains off me so I could be whisked away by the wind and its voices. How odd, maybe I'm becoming more selfish. These flames are swallowing me up.  Eating my mind, only to get hungrier and hungrier.

These fingertips wanting to reach out.
This voice that wants to open to others.
The mind that wants to be loved and protected.
As a friend. As a family. As a person.

Is this burning desire. Greed?

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

In the end all things die, and all things are forgotten. It may take one day or a thousand years, but our names, deeds, and very existences will vanish unto dust in the end. From dust man came and to dust he returns.

But while man forgets, that which is beyond man remembers. One true legacy lies not in the annals of history but the formless memories of creation itself. While civilizations rise and fall with the wind, God will never forget.

-youtube user

link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcuPrbeb0p8&feature=BFa&list=SP6E64CE2CEB47FF2A&lf=list_related

"highfive yourself"- halls cough drop wrapper

music like waves.
if only i could be submerged in it.

if only
i could drown in it.

Midnight Kiss~

the song i hear only in my head
beats in tune with my racing heart.

waiting, it's all i can hear
the blurry lights all i can see.

but soon you arrive with your tie loose, hair in a mess
bending to rest your hands on your knees as you catch your breath.

as i turn around you look up at me and
smile.

ah
that crooked smile of yours
i can't help but love...

how long has it been? but the clock's been thrown out
the frozen moment stretches to infinity.

smiling back i run to you.

you pick me up
in a warm embrace

and


*                   *                     *                    *

inspired by the first minute of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88Fvc4fhAoM&feature=g-all-lik&context=G2e28548FAAAAAHgACAA

"What's gone is forever lost, all we can do is live."

Time is perfect. This cruel creature that only smiles at us from above. From around. From underneath. It reminds me of the everlasting waves of the ocean and how it's enslaved by the moon. For we are the ocean and Time is our master. Such a beautiful face but with such cruel eyes. I'm scared to look at those eyes. In fear that in fact they are hollow, they are empty. And that there really was no meaning in all of this.

"I SHALL NOW WRITE ABOUT MY DREAMS AND PERSPIRATIONS." -dan

I jerked awake panting. Sweat drenched my hair and stuck to the back of my neck. There was nothing around me except the familiar ivory light of the moon filtering through my uncovered window. Calming myself down, I let my eyes get accustomed to the darkness of my room. Instead they saw colors dancing in streams, twirling, twisting, shaping themselves into pictures and scenes in front of me. They moved almost in slow motion as if they were underwater, floating. As if they were casting a spell. Like ink in water, but instead in air. My breathing slowed down and I relaxed. Sinking back into the comforts of my bed, for a moment, I dreamt of the life I could never have.

"My memories look towards you, who I have forgotten in my heart" -Tonight

Eyes dulled by the gray murk

search for the silver light,

the invisible presence

of the Angels,

the faint shimmer of their golden wings

Beyond the reaches of its endless streams

lies the one with the halo

the one whose touch can not be touched

the face that cannot be seen

tucked away deep within the secrets of his dwelling

behind fields of lilies and the night blooming cereus 

near waterfalls of the far flung night sky

painted with streaks of sparkling orbs

Beneath the frozen clouds

underneath the still waters

a touch breaks the silence of the heart

rippling through the universe 

teetering on the fragile crescent moon

those crystal drops of water fall into the pool 

of his hidden palace 

There he holds the mirror of dreams

as he blesses the lands with his tears

the rush of water

the splash of life 

hidden alone within the clouds

next to landscapes of moon pools and 

still, silver waters that reflect the soft light

he sleeps in eternal silence 

waiting for another to shatter the fog that contains him

Below his beloved will live on, forever weeping while the unbound heavens whisper in her ear

her eyes will never see but the flutter of silver light

and the tips of those golden wings
though she will be blessed by the gentle wind
and the secrets of the winding paths to the moon

she will only feel the silent presence of his halo

"The early worm is for the birds."- Jay Min

I don't know why.
But I find myself fascinated by the few hours before noon.
I don't know why.
But I find myself drawn to the small hours after midnight before daybreak.
I don't know why.

But I get an odd feeling. When I feel protected. Just even for those few hours.
As if during those times the world breathes slowly with an undisturbed calm.
With the gentle white lights of the morning and the hazy yellow of the streetlights at night.
The gentle blue and the deep black.

I don't get this world. I tumble over my musings, as the present slips into the past minute by minute. Like a train, I whip past the landscape. But though the land will speed past me, I will always see the sky that changes slowly above me. Always above me. As the clock ticks in time with the train. Like the great wheel of time.
How big is this universe?
We run away.
Off somewhere. This speeding bullet.

I wonder why we live. To be sad to only be raised up. To be happy only to be shot down. To worship only to be ripped from your beliefs and shaken. To make only to break. To sing only to die.
I don't know why.
But I
find myself fascinated by this world.

"It's easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you." - Nathan Yamaguchi

I always planned on fishin'

Kept tellin' myself to git on with it.

Not too hard, but my God that waitn' sure does kill people.

But why should I wait?

Rather, I oughta just swim out there in the big ocean. To the horizon that never ends. Where limits will never close in on me. 

Do we want freedom too? Got to wonderin' if we fish to catch a piece of that freedom. In that world with no boundaries. We're unstoppable in this gigantic world.

Gots some fishin' to do. Some soul searchin'. Gotta catch my soul.

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."- Albus Dumbledore

I heard your dreams came true.
I heard that you're happy now.
Without me, but smiling.
Of course leading to the expected confusion of my heart. Whether to pity myself or be happy for you.
But I can only remember your radiant self in the blurry mirage ahead. And still I try. I look forward. I keep going.

I wish you'd hate me.
I wish you'd give me scorn.
I wish you'd glare at me.
Something.
Anything.

But you see through me.
Past me.
Cause I'm not there in your world.
I really am.
Nothing.

nothing..



nothing




to you.

This haziness. Of my mind. Inside it.
I scream that silent scream. The one no one ever hears. I cry those silent tears. The ones no one ever sees. And I try to desperately grab for you. Your feet. Your shoes. The threads that hang off the edge of your tattered jeans. I'm at my feet.
The ground.
Groveling.
Twisting in agony.
On the floor.
Reaching for you.
Will you save me? Will you know me? Will you
finally see me?
The one no one knows about.

But I'm really not there in your world.
So you smile.
At me.
But as I stare back.
I know.
It's not at me.

Cause I'm not there in your world.

"i don't know about my dreams. i don't know about my dreamin anymore. all that i know is i'm fallin fallin fallin fallin"

"Why?" I growl. "Why did you come back?"
She just smiles at me. That smile of hers. The all knowing smile. And no matter how hard I try to break from it, it always comes back to bind me. Again and again. Why?
I stare at her in sinking despair. Slowly...slowly the quicksand swallows me up.
And I freeze. Forced to a still. I can't move under this.
Weight.
On my shoulders. On my heart.
She keeps smiling. She came back. The girl I thought I had left behind. Came back to torment me.
With that smile.
That only grows wider. And wider.
I glare at her. But her eyes too can see through me. The truth does hurt. Like the glowering sun burning the mist away. Away. To a locked up place. Shot down from the skies. I bleed on the grass as my blood runs down the hill.
Will she laugh too?
"Why?" I sob.
..why
I can only ask this pitifully under my crushing defeat. While she smiles back from the mirror.

"When you have lemons, you make lemonade and when you have rice, you make rice balls." - Brock

"We're lost in the fog and I reach out to hold your hand. I feel a sharp slap that lingers in the air, so I turn around alone. And walk off going nowhere"

if only i could slip into an imaginary world.
melt into one of my dreams
and fade away into a story that only i know of.

what if i become a song.
and float carelessly along with the wind
to the clouds and up. and up.                     and up.

until the day i fall back down to earth. crying along with the rain.
but not alone.