Poems

2009-2010

Happiness


but then  it slips through my hands
and i watch it swirl away
in the mist till i cant see it again
and so here i am left alone on this street
with only one lamplight to accompany me 
the soft glow shines a lonely light

A talk with myself

it hurts doesn't it

when your eyes stab your heart

frozen you don't know what to do

when you feel yourself falling

you lose strength

and black shrouds your mind

you cry

silently

because you don't want anyone to know

the world shuns you

hates you

ignores you

you can't do anything

because it was your fault

and you die in agony while your heart slowly

bleeds.

untitled

i feel sad
but tears won't fall i'm angry
i can't do anything
i feel trapped behind glass seeing the world dissapear
smiles fade
my loved ones slip through my fingers
pondering is this a dream?
is this imagination? am i a puppet? not able to move?
controlled till i die?
dead... in the mind

but my heart will keep beating

ramble 

stay strong.

stay happy.

even if the wildest and most menacing storm is about to come and rip you apart.

because we'll make it through.

don't worry

two worlds

from two worlds we come from
with a brigde in between
intertwining our fates
we see each other
both longing
wanting
a step.
bold but true
step.
impulse
i finally run
across the bridge falling into your arms
you smile i laugh what else can go wrong
and the days pass.

fingers intertwined, hand in hand we run across the country
coasting my hand through the tall hay fields as we walk barefoot on sweet grass
the sun a golden dome, the sky a playful blue,
clouds drifting lazily across the aqua canvas
i look up to your face and see your smile
and the days pass.


we reach the ocean
the waves brilliant and sparkling, the deep blue
the sun sets the sky on fire in shades of the bloody red and royal purple
and we sit
on the sand
listening to the waves pound on the shore
you put your arm around me pulling in closer never wanting to let go
and the days pass.

the city comes our way and we meekly slip in
together
roaming the streets eating food samples along the way
hand in hand, fingers intertwined
i drag you around as we soak in all the sights
laughter
i loved your smile
so carefree, gentle, full of sincere bliss
i didn't need to go back
to be by your side i would do anything

and the days passed.

but now a bridge lies before us
we've seen it before
but why come back so soon
you whisper in my ear
tears start to slide
down
my cheeks
i shake and i look up and i see a person torn in two
your face in agony where was your smile?
i step back still facing you but step
step
step
your hand's still here

everything's blurry
i can't see through the tears
but i can feel your eyes piercing me
i step back again

you let go

and i run

breathe

i am not afraid of expressions

brimming with

love

bliss

and

tender kindness

i am not afraid of words

dripping with

hate

annoyance

or anger

rather

the words

that are hallow and

empty

those with

a pair of blank eyes

that stare expressionless

back

at

your

face

those plastered with a deceiving grin.

glisten

the warm breeze flows through my hair
on a bright morning
immeresed in a sea of flowers
the spectrum fills my eyes

so many
so wonderous
i let out a relaxing sigh
i notice you
blue
plain yet magnificent
different and quiet
like a kid-small and arrogant
a soft light glows from you

in my hands
i love you
caress you
journey through the field
tickling my toes
warm lush grass

my eyes seem to only see you
in the midst of a thousand
but you wilt
and droop
your light fades
like dew drops
glistening and fading under the sun

you slip through my fingers
and i watch
while the wind takes you away

inferno

i stand

alone.

in the midst of an inferno

my eyes glaring

fists clenched

teeth grinding.

my hair whips wildly from the heat waves and

the hot bursts of air sting my face, but i don't notice

the cacophony has already enveloped my ears.

and i stand

ready

to take on the world.

ready

to take on hell

but mirage starts to fold and shatter the air

the blur attacks my eyes and

my mind wavers and cracks

i start to melt

withering

burning

and i look around frantically trying to recognize what?

blood spatters

it boils up

thickening into gruel

and i see faces crumbling into ash and black tar.

disfigured,

their faces twist

morphing

into smiles mirroring that of the devil himself

illusion

explodes

the heat rises and suffocates

the crimson color of blood leaps with the bright orange and yellow

endless and ceaseless

the torture

it hurts

while behind the silloueite

the fire rages on

1000 words of

They say a picture says a thousand words. A single picture. One. And I see you smiling.  A smile that spreads bliss and everything seems to fall in place. Your heart reaches out to me and pulls me from my corner. you ask what's wrong? And my heart jumps because you care, a soft glow warms my mind pulling me closer. never wanting to let go. but i would always say nothing and just smile. like a damn fool. nothing. and you. you. would let go. a mirror meets my face. who am i? i stare. a blank expression greets me. but the eyes look sad. sorrowful. Lonely. drowning in pain. alive. yet...dead. and no one.sees. no. One. And i see you from afar. I follow you but you always escape and slip through my fingertips. dancing in the wind where i can't catch you while the wind lets you fly. to the clouds i can't see. the sun blinds my eyes and i lose sight of you. i spread my wings but soon to notice that one is crippled while the other shot down. i lay on the cold hard floor. abandoned. lost. myself. how pathetic. but i grow weaker. like a plant with no rain i suffocate. i die. i torture...my mind twisting thoughts. sleep eventually will close my eyes. why won't it forever? then maybe i can be happy. be free and be able to run to the gates. laughing? but only to find black whips strangling me down red seeping out. i'm encaged and fall down once more. beat. bruises appear and i can't hide. exposed and under a headlight. flashing red letters. a truck threatens my life and the world goes white. silence. Why are you here? i regain consciousness. where-- in a river. my mind purifies with you holding me gently. the water swirls around my hair tickling my head. i can't help but laugh. free. cool. collected. at peace and i accidently look up and see your face. you smile. but it's not the same. a smile. but altered. a smile.......but. fake. fake. what? and it dawns on me        you.       you...hate me. i stiffen. splash wildly and tread water. upright i look around frantically but you're no where. to be seen.
shatter.
My head jerks from the desk. i was dreaming? i look down and see my work. work that i did not do. pride stripped even from my very own hands. stress starts to jab at me. poking me harshly about the ribs. laughing coldly. i lost my ability to create. i am nothing. in a daze i slowly rest my head on the desk once more and let the waterfall wash underneath my feet and sweep me off. plummeting. down. a waterfall of agony. fire. and tears of frustration. i fall in pity and struggle to climb out. drowning the currents drag me and chain me to the bottom. once i float up. eventually. coughing i pull myself out of the black waters and collapse.right.in.front.of.your.feet. you again why.....you? YOU        AUUGGHHH my mind whirls in craze and i throw up. my hypocrisy. my hate. insecurtiy. my twisted thoughts. black phlegm and blood red agony . what more? i stay on the ground. shrivled and shivering. spasms shock my body. cough. i'm dying. let me be. right in front of you. exposed. i want to fall back into that river. too ashamed to let you see my face. me. or...is it me?
you carry me on your back. where are we going? together. i smile at the thought. and fall back into a trance trusting you. faintly i remember in the twilight. we entered that place. in the middle of a desolate moorland. hills never ending. with purple royal mountains hidden with ribbons of clouds in the distance. and the wind caressed us. i fall asleep under the covers. peace. holding your hand. dozing in a silence. rest. love. live. immediately my eyes flit open. a burst of light greets me. by my window i see the scenery. the morning sun streaming through the glass. filtering through the air. calming. relaxing. except me. panic. where are you? i walk around. dazed. to realize that you. you've vanished. gone. you dissapeared once more. leaving me alone. by myself. again and again and again. why?? why me? why come back? my tears fall one by one till once again i crumble on the grass in despair while the day keep passing and the season brings gifts of warmth and beauty. the song birds perform their sweet songs while the sky busies itself with its canvas every night. i lay on the lush grass gazing. blankly. at the night sky. starry night. so many crowd the indigo blanket making it sparkle and flow to an infinite expanse. but why do they seem so distant and far away. reminding me. once more. again. stab. stab. memories. jerk. kill. my heart rips and rips and rips. turning the basin bloody red. i submerse myself in the pain. deeper i sink. waist deep. till drowning…i breathe in the lukewarm night air. and gather courage. throw away the pitiful scraps and i stand. finally step with a firm foot on the green with determination.
but once again a mirror is shoved at my face. ugly. someone catches my eye. her. behind me. why now? the glares. the silence. what do you want from me? i can't collapse now. no. i will not. and the smile comes floating back. decieving. right that's how it goes. empty. ridiculous expressions. fake. like you showed me. like the world showed me. the current roars again. at me. i swim against it. screaming. struggling. but in the distance i see her ghost again. mocking laughter. piercing yet invisible. and i let my gaurd down. the black fingers swoop over me and strangle me once more. they close over my eyes. muffle my voice. like i'm not even there. And the mirror shatters splattered with blood.