"잊지 말아줘 사랑해. 너와 함께라면 이젠 행복한 나를"- 허각

Each day, like a routine...we'd lay on the sofa in exhaustion. Just looking at each other. And in the end, always smiling, laughing.
Like the fierce wind that rattles the leaves, this love sweeps through my soul as I gaze at those eyes of yours, glowing back at me in the light.
How long is forever? I wonder, for it never lasts.
Though the wind keeps blowing, now the trees stand bare as I stare back at the empty spot next to me.
And
So
Each day, like a routine...I lay on the sofa in exhaustion.
But always thinking of you.

(title: but never forget that I love you. If it is with you, I will be forever happy- Happy Me - 허각) 

‎"you know how far the ocean goes out when you look ahead that same depth of distance. it's what the sky above is"- Judy Kim

Alone. You were alone. In the gray room. You sat alone.

But were you lonely? I cannot say. Rather, I was sure I saw a glimpse of a soft smile on your face as you basked in the red sunlight that streamed down from the high window in the west.

The sun was setting.

But it wasn't the red sun I saw that stained the walls of the gray room, it was the colors of the music that rang clearly around you.

I never saw your complete face. Only the side of it when you'd turn a bit to listen more keenly to the tones of your instrument. When you'd start to lose yourself in the melodies. When you'd concentrate and furrow your eyebrows in the higher registers. When you'd smile in your own solitude.

And yet, I knew your thoughts. Your emotions. Your heart. Your everything. How breathless the moment was. The connection so alive, it felt as if you were playing only for me. ...only for me.

The Grandfather. The Cello. How beautifully he sang. How beautifully you played. 

I remember your body naturally flowing together with the cello as if it were a part of you. The way your back muscles moved with the rhythm as you glided the bow across. Ripple. The thin and long fingers slowly advancing up the fingerboard. Thumb position. Vibrato. Sway. 

Beautiful. 

The soft cascade of notes that followed blended the low tones together into a flowing pool of sound. 

I found myself lost in your world that you dreamt up. 

And someday. Maybe someday. I will reach you there. 

"Some people care too much, I think it's called love."- Winnie the Pooh

Change. What everyone loves and fears.

You've changed. Something that everyone fears.

Funny, it's only been a few years. Two to be exact. 

I remember you smiled. How carefree you used to be. 

"Chill. Take life easy. Relax. Why aren't you sleeping?" You laughed. I remember your eyes. 

"I don't know. I'd like to think I became like this so there's a way back to the way I was. But I just can't even remember what it was like." You stopped sleeping. I can't see you or hear you now. But even in your words, I can't feel your smile anymore. Are the smiles in those pictures fake?

Fear.

Frustration.

I don't know whether to punch you or hug you. 

Dear friend. Dear friend...I just don't know. What to do. To help. Do you even want help? But how can I just sit around and not do anything. You laugh. But it's not the same; it's empty. I wonder what your eyes look like now.  I want to pray for you, but I don't know who to pray to. Can I really not do anything but watch you like this? 

Dear friend, I just don't know. I'm so sorry. 

"No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall. No one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose. No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it. No one is afraid to say "I love you", they are afraid of the response."

"You can come up with a million reasons for us not to like you...but haven't we already chosen to accompany you as friends?"

Ah the feeling of the dam breaking as the water rushes out. At the end of the torrent, the river sighs in relief. 
In a frenzy of Confusion. Depression. Chaos. Despair. This sentence broke through. Like the single sun beam that shines through the storm clouds. Turning into a flood of light and warming the ground beneath it. 
How can words alone fill one up so easily as they can empty?


I still don't understand.

"Let's commit the perfect crime: I'll steal your heart, and you steal mine"

A quiet day. For once I can see the noon sun stream in from between the window blinds.
Fresh white. On the floor. On the walls.
It glows.
Soul beats. Jazz hop. Blues.
Float around me softly sliding between measures. Some with words. Others none.
Free, the underlying pulse keeps me movin
How far will I go
I ask
I dream
I wonder
But this bullet train is unstoppable.

"i wonder how fast i will disappear from your thoughts"

We sit in the soft grass that meets the shallow reaches of the pond. With our feet in the water, we play with the small pebbles underneath.  Ripples of water flow out from the low waterfall a few feet ahead and blur the image of the moon that tries to rest peacefully on the surface. Its light reflects off the crystal blue water and dances on the rocks strewn everywhere. Our backs are snugly hid by the thick layers of mossy trees; their branches and leaves hang out and above the clear water.
You keep your arms around me as we sit together, feet still in the water. I lean back into you, and you breathe into me; I feel your cheek resting on my head. I sigh. I trace the lines on your hands. Warm. When were people so warm? For a moment I only hear our breathing and the ripples of the water.
I shiver slightly at your touch as you brush against my arm accidentally. Ah.
You trace the lines on my hands.

And whisper into my ear...

"At what speed must i live to be able to see you again?" -5 Centimeters Per Second

The wind calmed down after yesterday's hurricane.

I like the wind.
I like the unconstrained wind.
Wind,
in the center of it
there is me.

My soul feels relief.
Each time the sun sets, the shadows begin to overtake the room.
The breeze starts to split into halves. Then splits halves into fourths.
It begins to deteriorate.
That moment, sounds starts to flow in my head. From some time ago, it was like this.
I can't remember when.

The shadows of those who take in the brightest light are the thickest.
Today the strong sun attacks me again.

Black tears.
White smiles.
Colorless me.
A world without color.

Without wounds it hurts.
With wounds it doesn't hurt.
Wounds that cannot be healed. Wounds that might be healed.
Wounds that will be healed.

Alone in a room without shadows, I sit freely.
I hear music in my ears
though I didn't turn it on.

~T.O.P. for Calvin Klein-Brooklyn Boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUHFMINagNU&ob=av2e

"Its amazing how much your happiness can depend on a single person" - Joyce Yang

"We'll meet again"

The wall has come down. Crashing in magnificence. Glorious cacophony. The cursed wall that separated our worlds. The wall tumbles down.
Please I ask, that you stay with me. Since when have I felt such a warm feeling? My friend...my dear friend...I love you more than you know it. You took my hand and rested it on your beating heart. Badump. It was with this hand I wiped your tears away. Badump. I tended to your wounds. Badump. Fought with you. Badump. Read you books. Badump. Held your hand. Badump.

So why you do you smile and walk away?
A goodnight kiss. But why are you saying goodbye?

My friend....we will meet again. I can only hope we can meet again.

No. 6